I am not good with flowers... under my care they tend to die. This is insanely frustrating because it isn't like I am not trying. I water them, I give them plant food, I rotate their pots... but they are just a creation too fragile for my clumsy hands.

Every Spring, the flowers at the entrance of the grocery store beckon to me. They want me to take them home and add wonderful splashes of color to my yard. Every year there are high hopes and expectations that this might just be the year that I get it right. But it never is... no matter how much I read about the plant and then lovingly tend to it according to those specifications each day... at some point they shrivel and die. This is infuriating to me because like I said before I am putting in the effort. And it is even more frustrating as I watch my husband put seed after seed into the ground and they produce tomato jungles and endless squash.

I wish I could grow beautiful flowers... just like I wish I could sing beautiful songs. It is a talent that I feel is within me - that there is a part of my soul that is capable of these things but that my awkward physical body stands in the way. When I look at my last failed attempt of marigolds in my planters - I think of how limited my physical self is.

The physical Cyndi runs slow and dances awkwardly. She is 100% incapable of knitting, skipping rocks, or drawing a strait line. Sleep depravation makes her cranky, as well as hunger, a messy house, and children bickering. She rushes too much, loses her patience too easily, and thinks of just-the-right-thing-to-say too slowly. She feels music within her but can't make it come out in words or on an instrument or with the flow of her body.  She struggles sitting still or studying any topic at a higher level of thinking. She is constantly distracted and lacks the courage to take risks. And she is really lousy at giving hugs.

Sometimes (usually on Mondays) I feel very capable.

But today... Friday... I feel very limited.


Danielle said...

Allow me to remind you just how capable you were last Friday :)........you sat in a park with a friend listening to her as she cried from a heavy heart. You weren't rushed or impatient, you just listened. You also made the same friend smile, and laugh, and feel happy. You also made homemade strawberry jam for your family that morning and motivated your friend to make 20 pints of her own strawberry jam that day. :) Maybe you feel more limited on this Friday, but I can assure you, as a friend, you have no limits. You are kind, and fun, and you serve others to no end. You also turn junk into beauty and host awesome craft nights to help others do the same. I watch you as you are the most awesome wife and mom and you inspire me to be better! So even if you feel limited today, don't forget how limitless you make all the people around you feel!! It's one of your greatest talents Cyndi......helping those around you feel special and like they're worth something!! I'm so blessed to have you for a friend! xoxo

Jo said...

Elder Holland's talk came to mind as I read your post:
"On those days when we feel a little out of tune, a little less than what we think we see or hear in others, I would ask us, ... to remember it is by divine design that not all the voices in God’s choir are the same. It takes variety—sopranos and altos, baritones and basses—to make rich music. To borrow a line quoted in the cheery correspondence of two remarkable Latter-day Saint women, “All God’s critters got a place in the choir.”6 When we disparage our uniqueness or try to conform to fictitious stereotypes—stereotypes driven by an insatiable consumer culture and idealized beyond any possible realization by social media—we lose the richness of tone and timbre that God intended when He created a world of diversity.

"Now, this is not to say that everyone in this divine chorus can simply start shouting his or her own personal oratorio! Diversity is not cacophony, and choirs do require discipline—for our purpose today, Elder Hales, I would say discipleship—but once we have accepted divinely revealed lyrics and harmonious orchestration composed before the world was, then our Heavenly Father delights to have us sing in our own voice, not someone else’s. Believe in yourself, and believe in Him. Don’t demean your worth or denigrate your contribution. Above all, don’t abandon your role in the chorus. Why? Because you are unique; you are irreplaceable. The loss of even one voice diminishes every other singer in this great mortal choir of ours,..."

Danielle said it well. Those who associate with you are very blessed!

Including me!

I love you!

Erinlizabeth said...

I'll join you in the "no green thumb" club. The only things still growing are things that were here before we moved in. No matter how much I research, plan, water, fertilize... doesn't seem to matter. Things just die. ANYWAY, one thing you're really good at is knowing yourself. That's why I enjoy your blog so much. You're extremely self-aware and I find it very refreshing!!

Britt said...

I'm with you on the Mondays and Fridays. For me, if it doesn't happen on Monday, I'll never get to it. And if I have a bad Monday, the whole week goes in the crapper.

And I can't grow flowers, either, with one exception. My dad pulled up some irises from his yard one year and gave them to me to plant in my yard. They sat in my trunk for a week, and then I planted them - not sure why I even bothered, other than possibly hoping they would come back the following year. Those have lived. The ones I neglected. Go figure.

Anyway, you are a very amazing and talented person with so many strengths. I hope you can see it again Monday :)