11.08.2016

Trying...

I woke with anxiety - I don't know where it is stemming from...

I have ugly thoughts just about everything...

I've had a couple experiences over the past two days that somehow might be an answer that I have been looking for, but maybe they are not. A great deal of my life I have always felt led by an unseen force, what I term the Spirit. At the moment, I feel alone in my decisions and no longer confident in any of the choices I have made/am making.

These are personal things that might have no place being spilled out on the internet. But it is my reality and if you know me at all then one thing you will know is that I hate how unrealistically happy we (myself included) have made ourselves seem online.

So here is me being real - sorry if isn't happy or pretty or accompanied with a glowing Instagram filter.

I don't know if I should or should not have more children. Blake and my number has always been "Let's take it one at a time." But there has always been an underlying presence that it would be 6. He came from 4, I came from 8 - therefore 6 made sense. We both want an even number just because we are weird and see an appeal in that. And 6 kids equals a giant family, even by modern Mormon culture, and "having a big family" was part of conversations very early on in our dating.

So we lean for 6, when we have 5 here. And then I think of Talmage and can't help but wonder if he is our sixth and we are complete as is. And that boasts a hundred million complicated feelings that are mine and mine alone that I have yet to form into words... because the words don't exist. But maybe I should somehow extract myself from that pain and toss the crib and just move on.

Because in all honesty, moving on sounds really nice right now.

On Sunday, I wanted to take advantage of the delicious fall weather and spend an hour with the kids at the park. When I presented this to Blake, he replied, "I could do half an hour. But I don't want to spend an hour at the park." This upset me more than it should. But my mind was full of "How many hours have I spent at the park when I really didn't want to be there?" The number is countless. I have lived the last 9 years at the park, solely because I have children and children love the park; therefore, I am at the park. Do I really want to be at the park? No. Do my kids want to be at the park? Yes. So where are we? The park.

Good parenting requires a lot of self sacrifice. I get that. OH HOW I GET THAT. It's just I am a little tired. Tired of the same Groundhog Day-ness that my life has become. For instance, today is Tuesday so instead of getting ready at the gym - I get ready at home. And I am tired of putting on one article of clothing at a time as I run to and fro separating fights, pulling Luna from the potty, and directing the school-agers to be doing things that would actually meet the criteria "getting ready for school." I am tired of putting makeup on with a baby on the counter and hiding all the pressed powder so she won't destroy it more than she already has. And constantly turning off the sink that she has turned on in an effort to keep the clothes I just put on her dry - an effort that is often fruitless. I am tired of getting to the part where I am supposed to do my hair and all I can muster is a messy bun and realize it has happened, even though my college-sophomore-self vowed it wouldn't, "I have let myself go."

Then I feel horrible guilt that I am so self-involved that I care more about getting ready than these little people that I have hoped, prayed and fought for. I worry that I have set myself up for something that I am not capable of doing well.`I care too much about my house, my own projects, my health (physical and mental), and my service outside the home because it actually feels like service instead of servitude. And I am constantly frustrated by the little things like 100 crayons rolling around on my dining room floor and the only way they will be picked up is (a) if I do it myself or (b) employ begging, bribery, and/or threats to make it happen.

My parenting has come a long way. I feel far more confident in the hows and whys of how I run our house. But one thing has remained constant over the last 9 years - I am in a constant state of trying. 

Trying to be content in the here and now. 
Trying to be less resentful with all that is demanded of me. 
Trying to not only do it but do it well. 

The trying of it all has left me tired and begging the question, "Do I try again?" 

I can't imagine doing more of the same but I also can't imagine doing anything else.

8 comments:

Kara Bowman said...

Keep trying cyndi! It's the little moments that make it worth it! You are an example to many of being an amazing mom. Patient, creative and loving. As well at the same time a wonderful supportive wife. You try and Succeed so many times! Your example has helped me keep trying when I don't think trying is worth it! I love you❤

AndersonGR8 said...

I think you are at a place we have been before. It sounds like you are at mile 21 of a challenging marathon - you know you will finish but it's a big challenge right now to keep putting one foot in front of another even with the encouragement of those on the sidelines. But your goal is still strong and you move on, maybe a little slower than planned, but you are moving forward. You hope for a second wind but if it doesn't come you just dig deep and keep moving forward. Determined to finish and feel the press of the finisher's medal as it hits your chest. You are a finisher. After all you out ran your father this weekend.

AndersonGR8 said...
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connie said...

Oh sweet and honest Cyndi....it is perfectly okay to feel frustrations and be tired. You are human and will always feel inadaquately human. Opposition in ALL things is always there and you have become the great person you are as you have overcome opposition. You will again grow and then reach new heights through your current opposition. Your answers will only come when it is time. I have learned that God answers always but he cannot give us some answers on our time table or it would thwart His plan. We grow in faith as we WAIT upon the Lord. But know the wait is always worth getting the right answers. I love you and know that this too will pass and you will look back on this and be grateful for your lessons learned. If only we could blow away all those billions of leaves your burden would be much lighter. As winter comes we get anxious but that means spring is that much closer and we feel energized with the spring. 😎

Jo said...

Having another child doesn't have to happen right now. My goal was to have all my children by age 30, but my last one was born when I was 35. And it was all just fine. If you are that frustrated about the decision, my advice is to put it on hold and wait. But, of course, the decision is to make with your spouse and God and really no one else. As the rest of us see you, you are pretty hard on yourself and everyone thinks you are amazing. I think you are amazing. I love you. Talk to me. I would like that.

Danielle said...

First of all, my dear friend, thank you for your honesty. The battle is real, all of it, everything you said, from the Groundhog Day-ness of it all, to the big question....should I have another baby. I have no profound words on the Groundhog Day-ness that would lend any help, I'm still trying to figure that one out myself. As far as the baby question goes, I do have the experience of my Sam. I am a planner. I need to know what's going to happen next and when. You know the battle I went through deciding if we were done or not. At times I felt like Heavenly Father wasn't hearing my prayers, I felt zero guidance on the matter. Finally, after 2 long years of seeking an answer, it came. It didn't come as quickly as I thought it would, and the planner in me worried that a 4 year gap between my children would just not be okay. But, it is, because it was done in the Lord's time. I don't know why it took so long to get our answer, or why Heavenly Father didn't send Sam sooner, but I learned some pretty amazing stuff while I waited. Waiting is hard, but so very worth it, when in the end you find that all along, He was there, waiting with you. He knows you. He knows the answer. He will guide you. He will answer you. Be still. And in the meantime, you are doing an amazing job!! You inspire me to no end!! You are a phenomenal wife and mother and daughter and sister and friend and I'm so thankful for the example and friend you are to me!! Love you!! I'll be calling you soon to have you come over for lunch! Just as soon as track break is over and the dust settles a little. ;)

Jana Weaver said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Keep trying, trusting and moving forward with faith. I always feel like when I write things down it helps to see my struggle or focus, etc so much better. We're all in this or have been in this same spot...I planned to wash my hair yesterday morning and my hair is back in a messy bun today, not washed.

HowellAZ said...

Tired. Worried. Wondering. Anxious. Happy. Exhausted. Praying. Hoping. I could go on and on listing the multitude of feelings I experience in a day. Sometimes I want to shut it all off, but like your parents so wisely put it it's the marathon called life and we gotta keep pushing through. You help me keep on keeping on, so I thank you.