Everything is different...

I went to a writing workshop at the library a few months back. The presenter shared that in fiction, especially juvenile fiction, that the story usually begins on the day that was different. That the protagonist wakes up, does A, B, C and then... BAM! D hits and everything is different.

On January 20, 2011 I woke up, showered (A), ate my toast and milk for breakfast (B), dropped my 3-year-old and 2-year-old off at a friend's so I could go to my 34 week ultrasound (C) and then BAM! A heartbreaking D and everything is different.

I was not in the least bit prepared to hear the words, "Baby B's heart has stopped beating." It was unfathomable. For months I worried and fretted but then we passed the 30 week mark with no twin-to-twin transfusion, textbook-perfect lab results, and not a single blip on the radar or in my case, the dozen or so ultrasounds I was subjected to. At this point, my doctor, the maternal fetal medicine doctor, and I all took a collective breath of fresh air. We were out of the red... or so we thought.

My doctor's first response when he got the call from the ultrasound tech was "No, you must have the wrong chart." Even for him, a professional who saw his fair share of infant loss, couldn't believe that it had come to this.

I can not believe my baby died. 

Still, 5 years later, it is the sentence I say the most (mostly to myself), "I can not believe he is not here."

But I think I am just now starting to understand what I mean when I say it. It is something like this:

I can not believe that he is not here and I still am. That life has continued on and I have somehow learned to function with the hole that is in my heart. That the world has continued forward and Talmage has no place in it. That if it were not for the box on my bookshelf filled with hospital bands, a tiny hat, and an impossibly small set of footprints - I would be tempted to say, "That couldn't have possibly happened to me." But it did - it happened and everything is different...

Different but OK.

My baby died and I am OK.

5 years ago, had you told me that that was possible, I would not have believed you.


Jana Weaver said...

I'm glad you are doing okay; what a hard, hard experience to go through. Sure grateful for a loving Heavenly Father and our knowledge of the Plan of Salvation. You always have a wonderful, creative way of writing, even the hard things.

Starla said...

I love you, Cyndi! This made me cry...beautifully expressed.