You know that moment when your baby is first laid on your chest and you take a long meaningful look into their eyes - that is my favorite moment... ever. Nothing comes close to that instant when your soul first connects to that child and you know that they were meant for you. I lived in eager anticipation for the day when I would experience this with the boys but that moment was stolen away... along with a million others.

So much pain and fear surrounded the delivery of Fielding that when he arrived and they briefly held him by me - not on me - but by me, all I wanted was the nurses to take him. I wanted them to check him - to count his toes, to listen to his heart, to use all their devices and knowledge to keep him here and well. I repeatably asked "Is he ok?" - "Is he ok?" The nurses assured me he was great, perfect, better than they could have hoped... but I just could not believe it. How could he be fine when the his brother was everything but.

My body, my womb, a place that I always viewed as safe and protected was now capable of death and loss. I just couldn't process the opposition - how could he come pink and screaming while the other would shortly appear gray and still.

Those first sacred moments of Fielding's life were split between thoughts of his well being and fear of Talmage's impending arrival. As Fielding was whisked off to the NICU, I reached my lowest low - I had just spent the last few minutes experiencing excruciating physical pain and now was faced with the reality that Talmage was going to come and the emotional burden seemed insurmountable. Although my head knew full well that he was gone, I could not help but hope that by some small chance the doctor had been mistaken and that with his arrival - we would hear the cry that would finally wake me from this nightmare. But he came and as the doctor shielded him from my view, I knew he was gone. I would not hear his cry. I would not look into his eyes. I would not feel his soul say "I am yours."

My life has never felt so empty and cold as I lay on that bed with neither baby in my arms. Moms, please do not take it for granted when that baby is first placed in your possession. Hold them and breath them in and promise that you will be their mom - a good mom, a great mom, the best mom that you can possibly be. Because really would you rather be anything else.

Fielding and I finally having our moment 24 hours later.  I smiled - the first real smile since hearing the news 3 days earlier. I knew I was going to be ok - never the same - but atleast ok.


busy bowman said...

You are ok but changed. YOu are stronger(physically, mentally and spiritually). you are an inspiration to those who may feel weak. You are an example to everyone of how to stay faithful and endure. You are my sister and hero.

The Thompson Family said...

Thanks for the reminder of how special God's spirit children are. You are such a great Mom and I know Talmage can't wait for you to raise him in the Millennial rein. He is so blessed to have you as parents. Love you Cyndi!