Making amends...

I feel like I owe an apology to a few people:

I am sorry to the fellow mom at the Library who innocently asked why Fielding was early.

I am sorry to the unsuspecting neighbor who said "Oh - you had your twins. Is this one of them?"

I am sorry to the nice lady at the store who commented that Cosie and Fielding are so close that I might as well have had two babies.

I am sorry to the parents of all the twins that I stare at for far longer than is socially acceptable.

I am sorry to the Stake Relief Society President that asked me to say a little bit about myself and got an earful.

I try to keep this heartache to myself (well - myself, my blog, and my poor husband). But sometimes people say things or ask things and I can't help but say something concerning Talmage. For example, the Stake RS President was having our presidency take 3-5 minutes to tell her a little bit about ourselves. I was last and after hearing everyone discuss where they were from, what college they attended, how many kids they had, and various other personal facts, I said my name and sat there - I was at a crossroads. I could say I had three kids and continue on with the rest of my intro sans drama or I could say I had four and open up an entire can of worms.

This lady seemed genuinely interested in us and our backstory so I took my less traveled road and said "I have four kids - a four year-old, a two year-old, a seven month-old and his stillborn twin - our baby up in heaven." My eyes welled up with tears but for the most part I kept my composure and was able to complete the rest of my introduction.

Later that day as I looked back on why I had to go there - why I couldn't just keep it to myself - I came to a few conclusions. I had to say it because nothing has defined me more than this experience. I am who I am largely because of Talmage. If you truly want to know me - you must know of him; that for 8 wonderful months I was privileged to carry him and my life could not seem any more blessed. I had to say it because as time marches on I have fewer opportunities to talk of him and in that moment I wanted to, in part for me and in part for him.

I needed him to know my mind is constantly drawn out in thoughts of him. My lips desire to speak his name. My arms physically ache to hold him. My heart wants to know him instead of just knowing of him. He is a part of me and there are moments when that part just comes out.


AndersonGR8 said...

The world needs to know of baby Talmage just as it needs to know of Fielding, Cosette and Paisley. At a client dinner last night i was able to talk about the joy of 28 grandchildren - including our perfect Talmage. Not an easy task for any of us and especially not for you as his mom. I think most people appreciate the opportunity of knowing the personal aspects of our lives even when they can be emotional. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about Talmage.

Britt said...

I'm sure that people feel honored to hear your story. So share it whenever you feel like you should. It helps people know who you really are. Obviously not every circumstance is appropriate, but there are times when you just need to say it. I'm sure the Stake RS Pres was touched.

HowellAZ said...

It seems that sharing part of your story with others is a bit like sharing your testimony. I bet the women at that RS meeting, or others who hear of Talmage are lifted in some way and hopefully you are too, as you reflect on the great gift he is in your life.

busy bowman said...

I am hear to listen to any story you have about Talmage! Like everyone else! Your family has forever been changed because of Talmage. I love your posts and your ability to talk it is who you are and I am grateful for it! It puts my little woes in perspective and makes me hold and love my kids more! You are a wonderful mommy your example will be stregnth for so many people! I know it is for me! I love you I love your family and I love Talmage!

Ashley Schoenfeld said...

My heart aches for you.....Much love!

connie said...

I never know who I cry most for ....my own sweet daughter Cyndi or my own Sweet grandson...Talmage i love them both so much mom