6.21.2011

In Loving Memory...

Dear Talmage,

Has it really only been 5 months, less than half a year, that I learned you won't be joining our family. It feels like a whole lifetime has passed since that heartbreaking day. I remember who I was before I heard the news and I know who I am now - they are not the same person. I remember the 'before-days' when excitement filled our home like an audible buzz - twins, twins, twins... it was repeated over and over because we believed it too good to be true.

We knew from the start that something could go wrong - the doctors warned us and watched me closely. We all gave a collective sigh of relief when the 30 week mark passed with no twin-to-twin transfusion and when each doctor appointment was filled with perfect looking ultrasounds and exams... I remember thinking "Whew - we made it out of the red. The worse that can happen now is they come a little early and we spend some time in the NICU." I hate that I got so comfortable with the pregnancy that in my mind that was the worst.

This pregnancy, I grew a bond with my Doctor that I have never had before with a medical professional. Five days prior to hearing the news, I had my 34 week appointment with him... after all the routine exams and short ultrasound that showed everything to be in order, he sat there, repeatedly flipping through my chart (which was the size of a large novel). I waited uneasy in the silence, what was he looking for? He stopped and looked at me, "I don't know what to do. I have never made it this far without a hiccup of a complication. You are the picture of health. I thought for sure we would have parked you in a hospital by now - waiting for weeks for these boys. I can't find any reason to do that so I want you to go home and keep doing what you are doing because whatever it is it is working." Ugh - why couldn't there have been a sign? Why did I not display a worrisome symptom? Why couldn't there have been a reason to send me strait to the hospital and hook me up to a fetal heart-rate monitor? Why? Why? Why?

I hate that you were taken without a fight. Your passing was so silent - I am completely unaware of when it happened. I would have given my all to keep you here and safe. I wish I was given the chance to fight on your behalf - I hope you know that I would have.

We miss you Talmage. You are not forgotten. Dad and I still call your brother by your name. Your sister still asks when you will come. I swear if I blink fast enough, I can still see two carseats with two boys that need to be loaded into the car. I count my kids repeatedly through the day - my head knows full well that you are gone but my heart just can't accept it.

Love,
Your Mom

3 comments:

busy bowman said...

Never forgotten and always loved!

connie said...

I am still thankful we have twins in our family even as I miss Talmage so much. He still brought me months of joy and excitement. I look forward to getting to know him more. MOM

HowellAZ said...

He is blessed to be part of a wonderful family who loves him and can't wait for the chance to get to know him better!